Kerja

Perkataan KERJA dulu sangat menakutkan aku. Sumpah kalau boleh aku tak nak kerja. Tapi bila keadaan terdesak macam ni, kerja je yang ada dekat kepala otak.

Last month was the devil's highlight of my life. Tak ada sorang pun tahu cerita sebenar. None. I was facing it all alone. I still am. Aku bukan nya berlagak kuat . Tapi untuk ceritakan kisah celaka yang datangnya dari Iblis Jahanam, aku sendiri yang malu. Jahanam.

Kisahnya bermula dari sekecil pasir, dan dari situ terungkai duri duri yang membunuh diri. Yes, orang cakap itu la life. Ups and downs. Heh. Kepala kau la. This is all down man. Kereta belum start mungkin, roda tidak berputar.

Tipu la kalau aku cakap kerja tu syok, kerja tu tak penat. Sumpah penat, like gila babi punya penat. Sampai kadang2 kaki tak boleh nak pijak sebab sakit. Tapi itulah kerja. Kan? This time, Im working with a bunch of man. Aku sorang perempuan. So when u'r working with them, u have to work like them.

Siapa kata anak last hidup mewah? Siapa kata anak last tak pikul tanggungjawab besar? Kalu dah adik beradik lain semua macam gampang, anak last ni jugak yang kena. Bukan nak marah, tapi hampa. Kalau dah tau tak ada duit, kenapa kawin? Kalau dah tau tak ada duit, kenapa nak ada anak sekarang? You are soon to be the head of both family. Not only yours. Tapi mana tanggungjawab kau sebagai anak? sebagai abang? dan sebagai suami? And bila anak kau dah besar, sebagai ayah? Atau mungkin kau seperti mereka yang lain? Alaaa, tak ada duit nanti, mintak mak je la. Heh.

Duit PTPTN belum masuk, mama dah tanya bila nak bayar balik duit dia yang dia bayar untuk yuran hari tuh. Duit PTPTN belum masuk, mama dah stop bagi duit sebab duit dia habis untuk anak yang lain. Duit PTPTN belum masuk, minyak hitam kering kontang and duit hanya cukup untuk beli botol kecik. Tak sampai half pun dapat isi, tapi boleh jalan cukup la kot. Kan? Duit PTPTN belum masuk, tak ada duit lansung untuk makan.

For some people, kerja and duit tak penting. Sebab dia boleh mintak. Or orang lain yang belikan. Orang lain yang kena berusaha untuk duit. Kau hidup senang. Untungla. Tapi aku nak tengok jugak sampai bila. Bila semua dah mati, aku  nak tengok kau survive macam mana.

Aku rasa sepanjang kes Iblis harituh, tak ada sorang pun nampak aku nangis. Sebab aku rasa aku tak nak air mata aku bazir untuk dia. Atau aku dah mula tak ada perasaan. You know the funny thing bout it is when ur own boyfriend said that u dont have feelings at all. and I just laughed. Deep down inside, I asked myself the same question. Masa arwah nenek meninggal , aku tak nangis. Masa kejadian Iblis, aku tak nangis. Masa kena maki kaw kaw dengan customer, aku tak nangis. Masa aku rasa broke gila macam orang tak ada rumah, aku tak nangis. Mana pergi perasaan aku? I really feel bad about it u know. Gila kau. Nenek kau meninggal kau tak nangis, kau manusia tak ada hati perut ke? Masa kau dituduh anak derhaka, kau tak nangis. Gila kau.

Lets think positive. Maybe Im used to it. Maybe Allah nak prepare aku untuk future. Maybe, just maybe .. Aku sebenarnya cuba untuk menjadi kuat for my mom. Just for her. To protect her. To show her that I can take care of her. To show her that not everyone is an asshole ! Just, maybe..











Kasut dah berlubang teruk..

Our imagination are beyond expectation.

I always have this weird way of imagining things. especially when Im in the toilet or driving. Despite that I always talk to myself, I also like to create a scenario in my head. I think that is not a bad thing when we lives in a modern era. With all those gadgets, games and social media, we are actually lacking of 'mind creativity'.

Remember when we were young (this goes to ppl who was born before 1990) , we used to create our own weapon? As for my case, my brother was very creative and create our own 'gun'. He uses chopsticks and bind it together with rubber bands. When we shoot, the rubber band will go off and trust me, it hurts like hell!
At that time, we do hv a video game but it doesnt seems right to play it with only 2 ppl max while the others are just watching. So, that's when we will came out with a new games called 'office' , or 'restaurant' or maybe 'masak2'.


Imagination that went beyond the line.

About 2 to 3 weeks ago, I was driving back from college. It was late at night as I have to attend PAG's theater rehearsal. It was a dark night, and the roads are empty. I was driving 50kmp, and that was the time the imagination gone wild.

I imagined that what if I had an accident? Car accident that caused me in a coma for maybe, 2 months? and I had a brain damage that caused problem in my memories? Who will be there waiting for me to wake up? or even have a faith on me waking up? 2 months is a long time to hold on to something that has no guarantee. and if I do woke up, will I change and be a better person or worst? Who will I remember? Will my personality change? Will I have the strength to deal with my memories or will I just give up?

I was spending the whole journey back home with all these thoughts.

It was a dark night,
And I was alone for a moment,
Lost in my own fantasy,
Listening to the sound of ours,
Listening to the story,
Wishing I could turn it off
Coz it doesnt give any good to me.

'short & sweet'

'short + sweet'

This is my second involvement in PAG's play. Nothing to be proud of, Im not one of the actors , Im just one of the crew. As always. 

Despite the loneliness in the control room, Im grateful because form there, I can observe everyone at the same time. (but most of the time I will be in my own world reading my novel). Last year, I worked with the other 'Gods'. I miss having them with me. The new 'setup' is kinda 'boring'. 

It's funny how people will only notice me if they needed something. That's the beauty of being one of the backstage crew I guess. 

That's all for now. I hope I still have a chance to be in charge of the sound and what not for next year ;) 

circle

Selangkah ke depan, lima langkah ke belakang.
back to square one.
I hate this.
Mcm pusing pusing in circle.

Type panjang panjang, delete.
Type panjang panjang, simpann buat pekasam.
Motif?

Tak ada motif mana.
Cuma tak kesampaian menyampaikan hajat di hati.
Dihalang manusia punyai matlamat sendiri.